You’re wasting your magic on the wrong people
Karina Lafayette – February 2021
In the early 90s, teenager Amy Fisher was having an affair with a married man by the name of Joey Buttafuoco. He was 35 and she was 16.
One fated day, she rang the doorbell to his house. His wife Mary Jo answered. Amy had a conversation with her and after fifteen minutes, she pulled out a gun and shot her. If she couldn’t have him, no one will.
At the time, the media frenzy focused mostly on Amy’s actions and not Joey, by referring to her as the “Long Island Lolita”. She was portrayed as jailbait or even a scorned lover who was supposedly furious that this man, old enough to be her father, wouldn’t leave his wife for her. Joey initially denied it happened, but pleaded guilty the following year for statutory rape. Meanwhile, Amy had been convinced, just like millions of young girls through fairytales and pop culture, that as long as you go along with what he wants, you can have what you want; him.
Nowadays, there is an indirect way that young women and girls are sometimes encouraged to do the same thing, with their magic.
Yes, magic is empowering. Yes, it’s great when you begin learning about tarot and making potions and vision boards to manifest whatever you want. And yes, manifesting is a form of magic, even though some within the spiritual community feel entitled to learn these crafts, but get insulted when they’re reminded of that. Most forms of energy work to an extent, do involve magic, because you are bending something in your favor.
But there is one condition where we should draw the line: other people.
Baby witches, I know it feels empowering, having an entire world available that lets you know your skills can be put to good use. It’s awesome. The amount of reels trending on Tiktok and Instagram, with people sharing their positive affirmations or quicks ways you can use a candle for good luck- all that is inspiring. But any time I come across a baby witch who shares a video or meme on how to get any lover you want, I sincerely have to roll my eyes.
Because that lover you want, won’t want you unless they’re actually interested.
In the movie The Love Witch, the main character Elaine comes up with spells to make any man fall in love with her. Each time they do, they become obsessed and spoiler alert, Samantha later kills them. While it is a parody, I think the movie does a good job at depicting the extent some women go to when we feel unlovable, I also think some people forget that it’s a parody. Despite being into almost every faucet of spirituality, I’ll never buy a candle designed to draw in a partner, and I try to only look at compatibility between natal charts of two people when they’re both interested in each other. When I first started doing astrology, I would obsess over synastry between me and every person I liked, but somewhere along the way, you realize that being compatible doesn’t guarantee a relationship.
Recently, I wrote a piece on how people don’t actually have the right to a relationship, and I think it’s high time we point out the way baby witches waste their magic on the idea that they can make any one fall in love with them. They can’t. No one can.
In Practical Magic, there is the opposite problem. There is a family curse where every time an Owens woman falls in love, eventually her husband dies. So as a little girl, Sally writes down a list of traits for her ideal partner that according to her, are unrealistic, whch means she can’t fall in love. because he wouldn’t exist. Naturally, she does anyway thanks to some magic from her aunts, and after her husband inevitably dies, she meets the person she manifested years ago as a child. The main message here is that while magic can be used for certain things, free will and feelings override magic when needed.
A few days ago, while scrolling on Instagram, there was a video where a girl gave a phrase to recite in order to get someone to “unblock or unghost you”. She said to repeat, “I dissolve all barriers between myself and the lover I desire.” It felt slimy to even click on the video. While reading through the comments, I was surprised that so many seemed to believe this could work, and expected people to laugh at her. There’s an obvious market right now for people who are so desperate for love, so afraid it won’t happen for them, that they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get it. If you scroll far enough on social media, you’ll find endless videos repeating the same idea, and all this does is give people false hope and has them give their money to something that will get them nowhere. And as they continue pining over someone who may or may not be a soulmate, their codependency gets enabled. Admittedly, I used to believe the same, that if I liked someone enough, I could somehow “manifest” a relationship with them. I’ve also struggled with being anxious attached, so…
I’ve seen memes with quotes like, “May his fingers fall off any time he texts other bitches”. Or “may [insert something ridiculous] anytime he thinks of someone who isn’t me”. Or maybe, you could break up with him and find someone better, instead of turning to black magic to get him to behave. Isn’t that an idea? Believe it or not, there are men out there who can be good partners without requiring manipulation. It’s like we’ve gotten to a place where we encourage women into using lower energies, all because they believe they can make a man fall in love. How do we want others to find credibility in this kind of work, if all they see is love potions and evil eyes?
And like it or not, wishing someone harm is a form of black magic.
Either way, just don’t buy into this. Because:
1. It’s a good way to exploit people, especially when they have codependency issues or are still young.
2. You’re giving yourself bad karma if you believe you can manipulate someone into liking you.
Really. We don’t know how protected some of us are. I’ve witnessed people being harrassed by someone, and not long after, the one who attacked them got sick or became injured. I’ve even had situations where someone tried coming after me, and the tables turned around super fricking fast, not that I even wanted it to. I’ve seen lights flicker when threats were made, and let’s just say, those threats didn’t go through like they hoped it would. Call it spirit, ancestors, or the universe, but these energies don’t play games.
On the surface, the idea of using magic to get someone to fall in love seems childish to anyone who isn’t familiar with spirituality, but it really can have consequences. Energetically, by focusing too much on another person, you’re actually pushing them away, because why? There isn’t any focus on yourself, so the other person can and will mirror that to you. Deep down, they may or may not like you, but you won’t know if you’re constantly worried about it 24/7. This is why self-love is more reliable, so when it doesn’t work out, you can move on quicker. Not to mention, why would you even want to manipulate someone into being with you?
The connection won’t be genuine and you’ll always be doubtful. I think sometimes we give our magic too much credit. We can do a lot of amazing things, but we can’t and shouldn’t mess with other people’s free will.
In high school, I had a crush on a boy, who honestly, wouldn’t have been a good boyfriend anyway. He was always getting in trouble and spent about every other day in detention. For whatever reason, I liked him because he had dark hair and played guitar, very cliche. At the time, he had a girlfriend, and I kept on hoping they would break up. Eventually they did. This was long before I knew about my connection to spirituality. Since most high school relationships are temporary, I doubt me thinking this actually had an effect, but let’s say it did. And? He and I never dated after. I was hardly brave enough to talk to him even though he flirted with me once or twice. Even at that, if we did go out, he probably would have made me cry like she did later on.
I actually never had a boyfriend in high school, and a part of me wondered if that was karma, or just me being shy and awkward.
Another time, I had a crush who I felt so strongly toward, that I actually wrote a letter and burned it, because I wanted to move on from him. It was too consuming for me, and in that situation, I don’t see a problem with it. If a connection isn’t moving forward, you have the right to take your power back by cutting the cord to that person. I would even suggest doing this when it comes to situations where people string you along, or keep coming and going. Ideally, it’s probably safer to just write their name on a paper and put it in the freezer, but blocking their social media also works.
In the movie The Craft, there’s a part that’s a bit of a running joke, where Sarah casts a spell on classmate Chris to make him fall in love with her. Instead, Chris becomes so obsessed that he almost assaults her when they’re alone together. While a similar situation may not escalate that much in real life, would you really want to risk it with someone that you don’t even know?
As women, we complain a lot about men who keep persisting. We complain about Kanye stalking Kim. We complain about that ex who makes one fake profile after another to spy on us online. But is taking someone’s picture and writing your initials, when they haven’t even asked you out yet, not a form of stalking? In the past, I’ve met people who for whatever reason, I found myself drawn to them, and the minute something was off, I left. I could feel their desperation and how they used that energy- like they were almost obsessed with making sure they got my approval.
So what can you do to bring more love into your life?
1.Learn to be happy single
This doesn’t mean you can’t want a partner, you just learn that you’re already a whole person either way.
Take yourself out on dates. Pamper yourself. If you had a partner, what would you do together?
3. Do shadow work
A lot of times, we’re attracted to unavailable people because we’re emotionally unavailable. Ohter times, it’s because of how we were raised to view love by watching our parents.
4. Avoid chasing
If someone can’t be consistent even after you told them what you need, just move on. There’s an idea that we need to work for love, or that playing hard to get keeps people interested, when all it does is keeps us in a loop with partners who don’t deserve us.
The right way, that is. I have a list of traits of the type of partner I want, and it hasn’t changed that much over the years. I tried to avoid focusing too much on physical traits, but since I’ve had dreams of meeting someone who almost always looks the same way, I’ll include some of them.
6. Do more of what makes you happy
Whether it’s a hobby, walking your dog or spending time with friends, focusing on the good will bring love much more easily than focusing too much on the bad.
7. Be patient
Divine timing is annoying to hear, but there is a little truth to it. 😉
Most people can smell lovebombing a mile away, and won’t hesitate to say “no”. This doesn’t only apply to dating either, some even do this kind of energy work in friendships. I’ve known female friends who tried this on me, and they were work to get rid of once I caught on. Obviously, a lot of us are made to feel unlovable, so we turn to alternatives to get what we want, but really, when it’s real, it won’t need magic. It won’t need coaxing. Just communication.
And if I’m being honest, whether chanting something or doing “magic” of any kind does work or not, that isn’t the point. The point is, you might as well start surrounding yourself with people who already see your worth. In the meantime, use your magic to do good instead, and to help others.
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This article was first published on Medium.