Wednesday Journal Entry – Week 2
by Karina Lafayette – April 20th 2022
The two of us sat across from each other in the break room, like we would do almost every other Friday that we worked the late shift. He stands up with a grin, and while spraying on cologne, tells me, “There’s something I want to ask you.”
“Oh, I know what you’re going to say!” I blurt out excitedly.
In a way, I did. While not one to consider myself necessarily psychic, a few days before, I had a vision of the two of us in the break room having this exact conversation- where he would ask me out. It felt like a long time coming, since he and I had been talking for a few months now and it always seemed mutual.
But instead of him going on, he cocked a brow, confused, and replied, “What do you think I’m gonna say?”
I hold back, taken by his reaction. “Nevermind. You first.”
He just stood there. Starting to feel played, I rushed out and went on with my shift. It’s ridiculous that he couldn’t just say it, whatever it was. A few hours later, I texted him m anxiously while sitting in the servery tending to guests:
I thought you were going to ask me on a date.
He texted me, and intuitively I already knew what it was. The same line every guy who’s played me before. Probably something along the lines of just “being friends”, even though not only did he begin the pursuing, I already overheard heard him asking a member on his security team how he should approach me better. He’s the one who started it, and yet he couldn’t even finish it. What a coward.
At least, that’s how I feel about him now, but when this actually happened, it went something like this…
On my way out the building after work, I waved at him like usual. Rather than telling me “a see you later” like he usually did, he walked by hurriedly, his arm raised as if to brush me off.
Yep. Yet another man who felt entitled to chase me, only to lean back as soon as he learned the feelings were mutual. Apparently, in the eyes of those attracted to me, I’m just prey to hunt down. I’m just cattle, waiting in a line of other females to be chosen by Mr. Wrong. Try, try again right?
I’m sorry, but Einstein said that the “definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again, expecting different results.”
And from my perspective, romance is insanity. Doing the same thing over and over with different people- why bother?
I should’ve known this culmination point was coming when I looked at my transits and saw that Chiron was about to be conjunct with my Mars. After him, I swore off relationships, because I had enough of meeting the same man in different bodies. People always say to give others a chance, and I was out of chances to give. There’s a quote on social media that also says, “When the devil can’t reach you, he sends a f*boy instead”. And that couldn’t be closer to the truth.
While I know some men are still in the mindset of wanting to make the first move, what do I care? It’s 2022. If I can’t express my feelings and desires unapologetically, then you clearly aren’t it for me. I don’t have respect for anyone who thinks I’m supposed to play hard to get, because we all know that eventually players get played.
From then on, whenever this guy and I had a shift at the same time, instead of waiting for him to chat me up, I would be with my own coworkers instead. He was a security guard after all, and was better off staying in his lane anyway. Not long after the awkward break room incident, he began flirting with one of my co-workers, how fresh. One day, the two of them were flirting, and she looked over at me and laughed. I bet he told her I was the one that pursued him. Not wanting to come across as the “competition”, I avoided her at all costs except for when something needed to be done. A few months before meeting this guy, I had finally got my own apartment after staying in a shelter for a year and a half. I went from staying in that kind of place, to working as staff in that kind of place. I didn’t need this drama. I was thriving, with or without him.
Around last February, I did try to reconcile with him to see if a friendship was possible, till old feelings came around and I felt it was more important to honor that, than whatever breadcrumbs of a situation he was trying to offer. The amazing part is he often implied how I supposedly could read his mind, especially after he let me look at his birth chart, which meant that night in the break room, I was probably right. I also knew at some point, he would want to cozy up to me and sweet talk his way into my heart again. When I asked him why he wanted to be friends, he texted, “I thought you might need the company.”
This was my reply: “Thanks but I don’t need your friendship. I’m good.”
Before we met, romance made me hopeful. No matter how many times I had someone break my heart, it was try, try again, and now there was no more try for me in that department. I had resigned from the desire to be anyone’s girlfriend. What once felt like an honorable title, now a silly burden. I cried so much over different guys, and it felt like for nothing. Those tears I shed for them, should be for me and the lack of compassion I gave myself by sharing my heart with people who really didn’t deserve it.
It was obvious that this type only seemed attractive to me, because I grew up in a push-pull environment, where love was transactional and you were only deserving of it when on your best behavior. Healthy love wasn’t something I witnessed. I learned it the hard way. Before, I was told you were supposed to beg for people and had to prove yourself to be worthy. I was made to feel ashamed of my desires and this made me want people who truthfully didn’t care in return. And even though the transit to my Mars only really started in April 2021, once he was out of my life for good, since Chiron is a slow-moving planet, it’s common to feel the effects of these transits around six months before. Same with the Saturn Return.
In a natal chart, the area we have Chiron is where we experienced some type of rejection growing up. Mine just so happens to be in Leo, so ironically enough, romance is supposed to be healing for me, even though I still haven’t experienced it fully. Then again, Leo is also about self-love, and it’s safe to say, I’m getting there. I buy my own flowers now.
However, when Chiron is transiting a personal planet, unprocessed trauma surrounding that area is triggered. Face it, this wasn’t the first guy to lead me on, only to make me out to be “crazy”. The problem is when it happened in the past, I didn’t allow myself to cry, grieve and rage like Mars needs. Even after the years of betrayal, gaslighting, mind games, and being strung along, I had done a good job till that point to push my anger down, way down, till it couldn’t be ignored. I didn’t give myself much opportunity to scream and channel my inner Alanis. Someone told me good girls don’t get angry and I had enough of being the good girl. I needed to lean into the hate. I needed to embrace my rage, no matter how unhinged. It was time for destruction.
In pop culture, singers like Taylor Swift are often criticized for singing about their exes, and why? Heartbreak is a part of failed relationships, and there’s no way I’m going to smile and make small talk anytime I bump into an ex or former crush, when these same people are probably talking behind my back, telling their new flames it was me who started it or that I was the heartbreaker, when it was him. If he doesn’t want me to write about him in this tone, maybe he should try and… I don’t know, be a decent person? Or at least say, “Hey, I’m not looking for anything right now. So I’m going to leave you alone.”
Instead, he wanted to stay friends. They always want to stay “friends”, don’t they?
Another thing that makes me laugh looking back, is that we met during my Mars return, so as an astrologer, I should’ve seen him coming. The signs were there before he showed up at my job, but honestly, I don’t think you can anticipate your own transits as well as when doing readings for someone. Not to mention, my Mars is in the eighth house, which can hint at secret lovers or people who don’t want others to know about us. Tough luck, sweetheart.
During the same period, I also started to experience joint pain, and felt physically limited from doing all the things that brought me joy. It made me miserable. Then finally, push came to shove when my grandmother passed away, and I felt I had nothing left to give to others. Just a month before, several guests from work died from drug overdoses. It was too much grief for one person. I needed me, and walked away from my job. The demands were becoming heavier. My supervisor was a nagging Virgo sun with Scorpio rising, and I didn’t want to be told what to do by someone who technically only started working there after me.
Of course, around Mercury retrograde of last June, I went back to that job for a week or two. At first, it felt welcoming, but something was out of place. I was out of place. I didn’t belong there anymore. So I burned that bridge. I spent time at home and shut the world out. I felt abandoned, and yet i didn’t want anyone near. I felt angry at the world for all the years it said there was something wrong with me. By July, I was going doctor to doctor, suffering from little appetite, depression, lack of motivation, hair shedding, even more joint pain, and a long list of resentments growing each time I came across a doctor who insisted it was all in my head. They were like an echo of exes and my mom all over again.
“You’re being too sensitive.” “You’re overreacting.” “You worry too much.” “There’s nothing wrong.” “We’re just friends.” “I didn’t meant that.”
Well, it wasn’t an overreaction then and it wasn’t an overreaction this time either. Not only was the physical pain real, it was due to an iron deficiency. Because that’s what happens when you’re surrounded by people who always want something from you- you forget to take care of yourself. And to the doctors who dismissed my pain, well- let’s just say once I began taking iron supplements, my joints were healed. I got my freedom back. Again, I could stroll by the Harbour and walk with my dog without wanting to cry. But most importantly, I learned the value in listening to my body, something I never gave myself permission to do. Now I know, anytime butterflies come up when I meet someone, it’s a sign to get away from them. Love isn’t butterflies, it’s calm. I also know better than to skip a meal or two while working, and that some obligations, no matter how urgent, really can wait.
Chiron just finished with my Mars in mid-March, and I even had the exact date scheduled on my phone. It was a year-long transit. I wanted to say goodbye to that period in my life, but also felt immense gratitude. Without it, I probably would have continued with a longer trail of almost-relationships and brief flings, and even though “Almost Lover” is one of my favorite heartbreak anthems, I’m waiting for the day I can listen to this song without it feeling so personal.
I know my life only got better when I learned to love my body the way it loves me, instead of expecting someone else to love it, or to love me.
I’m not angry at that guy anymore, but if ever I saw him in public, it would wiser for him to cross the street.
And when it comes to a lot of the men in my life, I no longer resent them, but I wouldn’t be so quick to love them either. Because love is meant to be expressed and reciprocated. Even though the desire for a partnership is still there, I’m not in a hurry. I’m not on apps or even flirting. It’ll happen when it happens, and when it does, I won’t be the good girl. I’ll be authentic and ready to show up even if it rejects me again. It also won’t involve games, or power struggles or the need to figure out who’s in charge. A real potential partner doesn’t hold back, and he sure as hell wouldn’t change his mind once my feelings are mutual. A real man wouldn’t treat me like cattle. I know that now.
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