Wednesday Journal Entry – Week 4
Karina Lafayette – May 4th 2022
I discovered her when I was thirteen. She was everything I could hope to be and more. I was shy, awkward, insecure and too busy with my nose in a book to ever want to step out into the world.
I don’t remember what led me to her but in my heart, it was meant to be. In history class, my teacher offered us an assignment where we had to talk about a mythical figure. It was exciting for me, because there was no way anyone else in the class knew who she was.
They said she was Adam’s first wife. Apparently, she left the Garden of Even because she wouldn’t submit to him. Three angels were sent after her to bring her back, but Lilith didn’t care. She was free, and that was all that mattered. The angels punished her by saying that for eternity, her children would be to blame for all the evil in the world. She also went on to be blamed for a host of other things. All because she wouldn’t lay beneath her husband.
Learning these stories was fascinating and more than my young mind could wrap around. I even made a drawing of Lilith in the way I pictured her, with long flowy hair and black wings. While presenting in front of class I was nervous as usual, but I really wanted to tell everyone about her. My teacher seemed a bit puzzled but still interested enough to give me an average grade. I couldn’t figure out why, but Lilith’s story of being rejected resonated with me. Even though I hadn’t yet experienced dating or heartbreak, I wasn’t a stranger to rejection.
It seemed my whole childhood revolved around being cast out of gardens. From circles of friends, even in family dinner conversations, where my loud Italian relatives and their beautiful voices beamed over my own, never giving me the chance to finish what I had to say. I belonged everywhere and nowhere. As long as I was nice, I was welcome, and I didn’t want to be in places that expected only niceness. I felt comforted knowing that somewhere out there, other people felt just as unwelcome in this world as I did. If it wasn’t for my hair, it was my outfit. If it wasn’t for the way I spoke, it was for the music I listened to. No matter how good I was. No matter what my grades looked like. At some point, I somehow would manage to do something that offended people.
One thing that upset me was how often I was expected to play nice around kids who bullied me. Like apparently, my feelings didn’t matter and I was supposed to pretend everything was fine. Everything is always “fine” to them. But not me, I wanted to be the one who’s voice beamed truth even when it made them angry.
So yeah, if Lilith were a real person, I guess you could say we would be best pals. She was rejected by God and her husband. I was rejected by…. A lot of people. Of course, neither one of us really were rejects, it’s just that we didn’t want to play by the rules and left at our own volition. Oppressive rules that told women to be like this and not like that.
Till I became more comfortable with myself, I spent a lot of time hating the color pink. I also spent a lot of time hating women who were comfortable with being sensual and expressing themselves, especially if they swore like a sailor and could make others turn heads. And the best part is I wanted to be just like that, just like Lilith. I hated the fact that I cared so much that it prevented me from expressing myself. I didn’t care for people with clean reputations, they always felt like liars. It was around 2013 when I became familiar with astrology that I quickly learned about Black Moon Lilith. Not only is she a mythological character mentioned in some religions, she’s in our natal charts too. As it turned out, mine is in Aquarius, the sign of rebellion and freedom. How fitting.
It’s also the reason I relate more to Persephone, Mary Magdalene, and Princess Diana, than to someone like Eve. Why would I want to be my husband’s rib, so he can control me?
So all this time of struggling to assert my wild side, that was actually Black Moon Lilith… in Aquarius. It makes me laugh because I didn’t like Aquarius that much until I was in my mid-twenties. I didn’t like how unpredictable and detached they were, and how easy it was for them to just say what’s on their mind. Ironically, some of the best people in my life actually have Aquarius in their chart. My uncle Joe. Some of my friends. And a good number of people I work with. If anything, one of the reasons I’m close to them is because they don’t judge me. They let me be myself. Never mind, the number of crushes I’ve had toward some Aquarius men, oh lord. Duff McKagan from Guns N’ Roses. Dom Sherwood from the show Shadowhunters. Even Rege-Jean Page from Bridgerton. Of course, it also helps that my Saturn is in Aquarius, but that’s a topic for another day.
Except even though I also like Aquarius romantically, something would often seem to “get in the way”. In real life, anytime I’ve tried to get close to one, we never get close enough to making it happen. This is because with Black Moon Lilith in synastry, either one person or even both feel like they aren’t good enough for the connection, or that somehow, the desire for it feels shameful. Lilith represents part of our shadow, and brings out a side to ourselves that’s untamed, unapologetic, and to an extent, a bit scary. Not because there is anything wrong, but because society tells us it’s wrong for being that way. So it can only work if both are comfortable with facing certain uncomfortable truths.
Like a few years ago, I started watching Rupaul’s Dragrace and even got to march in the Pride Parade. I always thought that community made me feel accepted for a reason, and well, turns out that reason had to do with being attracted to… not just men. It wasn’t just due to being an outcast, it was due to a few deeper things too, such as you know, being bi.
If there’s one thing I truly do know, is that I get extremely irritated when people try to control other people. It makes me rage. For example, the other day I almost cried when hearing about the risk of Roe V Wade being undone in the U.S. I shared a video talking about the astrology behind it, and a few people unfollowed me. Had this happened years ago, I would have kept my mouth shut on the issue. Now, I really don’t care. Let them be offended.
It also doesn’t help that my Lilith happens to be square Venus. When people meet me, they think I’m the good girl. My Venus usually makes an appearance first, while Lilith grins in the shadows. There’s many different sides my personality can take on, it all depends the situation. Needless to say, if I can’t show my wild side, you aren’t going to be in my world for very long.
When my ex and I first got together, he used to praise me for being so kind and understanding, till I began dressing a certain way and became comfortable with showing a side of myself he didn’t meet before. And he didn’t like it, one bit. Suddenly I was too demanding, too unpredictable, and too independent. I wanted to use handcuffs, he wanted vanilla 24/7. So like Lilith, I had to leave that Garden he created for us. And like the angels threatened her, my ex threatened to take me to court if I didn’t continue being his work sponsor so he could stay in the country, even though we broke up. He wanted me to stay in the Garden, even though the two of us simply weren’t working anymore. I left anyway, and started my life over with almost nothing. I didn’t give a f*ck if he liked it. I was never his. The hilarious part is even though loyalty is everything to me, I don’t believe that we belong to anyone. From my perspective, a relationship is about sharing, not ownership. I’m not even sure if marriage is in the cards for me again, but a handfasting ceremony sounds nice.
Sometimes I wonder why I’m monogamous, but in all honesty, I’m too busy with my life to care about following any specific lifestyle. Poly relationships actually sound as confining to me as traditional ones. Rules, trends, dating apps, no thank you. What’s more important is to have a relationship that agrees with me on a soul level. My personal space is precious and if someone is there, it has to be for a good reason. As it turns out, when you have prominent Lilith, you simply aren’t cut out for traditional or non-traditional relationships, and the worst mistake a partner can make is to decide for you. It’s better to just find a partner who wants what you want, and ignores the world’s demands, or to just roam single. Lilith doesn’t compromise her truth. Whether I do meet someone or not, I’ll always be here, wild and free.
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