That F-Boy Isn’t Your Twin Flame

Wednesday Journal Entry, Week 6

Karina Lafayette – May 18th 2022

Ciara with ex-husband Future

We all want happily ever after, or one version of it. To some, that could involve spending the rest of their lives surrounded by their cats and dogs just like Holly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. For others, that involves the classic white picket fence with a partner and 2.5 kids, or maybe you don’t even want kids. While for some people, that includes being poly and having the opportunity to love as many as their heart desires. Whatever your version of happily ever after might be, it’s all valid.

Well, with a few exceptions.

And this is where I’m going to ruffle a few feathers, but as a Taurus, I wouldn’t be doing my sign justice if I didn’t ruffle people’s feathers once in a while. Modern spirituality’s take on love is not only toxic, if anything, it’s just as oppressive and misogynistic as those Bible thumpers who praise virginity and insist we wait till marriage. I got deeper into the New Age community around 2013, and ever since I was a kid, I always wanted a one-true-love kind of happily ever after. I believed that there is one person that is right for me, a soulmate, and even despite my views evolving, I still hold this belief. However, one thing I will never, ever have respect for, are the wannabe spiritualists who toot their horn on what it means to be feminine, and that supposedly, it’s meant to be soft and expects her partner to take the lead. I have even less respect for any believers who go so far as to endorse this idea that you should hold onto someone even when they’re being problematic, unfaithful, or downright abusive, just ‘cause there’s a “connection”.

First of all, sweetie, feminine and masculine are just energies, and everyone has them. Second, I don’t know why you’d tell a person to stay when they’re clearly not happy.

For twin flames, there’s the idea that a woman needs to stay “celibate” for her “masculine”, even while he’s busy messing around with dozens of women. And if you say that, other women respond with, “but you need to focus on yourself more. Don’t mind him.” There’s also this idea that apparently we’re not allowed to have ambition, because ew, that’s masculine energy and if you consider yourself feminine, you don’t want to do anything, that’s his job. Masculine = active and feminine = passive. Hmm. This sounds a lot like the purity ring culture that tells us we need to stay a good girl virgin till marriage. Face it, it’s just another way to control women. When you look at how limiting these definitions are, it makes you wonder who actually benefits from them. Because it sure doesn’t work for a woman like me who just wants to live her best life.

And if you think about it, haven’t women been told to stand by these problematic types of men since the beginning of time? My grandmother, along with many women I grew up with, had to put with affairs, alcoholism, and a host of things to prove their loyalty, and now with modern spirituality, it seems we’re going backwards instead of forward. Go to any comments section of tarot readers on social media that do love readings, and you’ll see dozens of women saying things like, “he’s still seeing his ex and yet he wants to be with me, I know it,” or the famous: “he keeps ghosting and coming back.” Like really, sis, if I could hug you, I would. No one deserves that behavior. Regardless of the weird connections we sometimes have with people, you should probably focus on yourself.

Not to mention, it’s unethical to profit off of other people’s spiritual journey, which is why I stopped doing tarot on social media, except for on the new moon and full moon, but those are general and meant to clarify what the zodiac signs are already experiencing transit-wise. I don’t want people to feel addicted to my work. As someone who’s been on the other side, these tarot posts can become consuming, like the more you read them, the more you lean on them instead of listening to yourself. And I rather people come to me when they feel it really necessary.

John and Yoko bed-in for peace in 1969

When I first got into spirituality and became familiar with the twin flame theory, the original concept was two people who are supposedly similar yet different, and that in order to be able to work together, it’s ideal to balance your inner masculine and feminine. Well it seems a lot took that idea and ran with it, making this another way to force people back into gender roles. There was also the emphasis that it wasn’t really about love, and more about working to bring social progress, like the way John and Yoko did with their work within the Peace Movement of the 60s. All in all, the New Age community used to be the safe space for people like me, and now it’s gotten to a point where we hear on the daily that if you identify as feminine, you’re not allowed to raise your voice or have any conviction. Sounds a lot like back in the good ol’ days when women were in the kitchen and men went to work. The best part, a lot of these supposed masculines act more like Future than Russell Wilson, only instead of cars and hoes, they brag about their yoga routine while showing off their abs and latest pyramid scheme. I got into spirituality to get in touch with my higher self, to become more authentic, balanced and whole, and now some people expect me to get back into that good girl box, because a wannabe starseed said so while dropping acid. I guess this is what happens when something becomes trendy.

Typically, in twin flames, there are various stages, and the main one is the runner and chaser, which happens at the beginning. Whether twin flames are real or not, it’s obvious that the majority who believe in it stay here, and will never be able to have that kind of connection. This can be understandable, because the connection is so intense and rare that it can feel intimidating. And since we live in a society that teaches us love is dangerous, it’s kind of normal to want to avoid a person with whom we share these feelings. The part where things get icky and even questionable however, is where they insist that things like cheating, manipulation, and watching from afar as an alleged twin is in a relationship, are all normal and healthy things. ‘Cause they’re not. Let’s just say hypothetically that twin flames are a real thing, people would actually meet or at least, be aware of the connection when both are ready. As in, both single and open to it, like in When Harry Met Sally, in the scene where Harry goes to her at the New Year’s party because he’s realized he’s in love with his best friend. Otherwise sure, we can be drawn to them, but to insist that pain and suffering are a part of it, nope. At least not pain towards each other.

Another thing that some claim are common with twin flames, is experiencing a lot of synchronicities. Before realizing how powerful my intuition was, I thought I had a connection with almost everyone I was attracted to. Then I noticed how often I’d experience synchronicities with friends, family and even colleagues. One time I was listening to the song, “I Just Called to Say I Love You” by Stevie Wonder, and a few minutes after, my grandmother called me. When she passed away, butterflies would follow wherever I went. Sometimes I’ll think of a friend or someone I haven’t heard from, and they message me. Or I have dreams of things before they happen. Maybe I had to fall in love to notice this about myself, but just because I get synchronicities about someone, it doesn’t mean we have a connection. And it didn’t take my tarot cards to confirm that.

I can’t tell the number of times I’ve seen disturbing statements made by people who talk about twin flames. Supposedly, only 144,000 people on the planet are twins, and a commenter on an Instagram post pointed out how this lines up with the 144,000 heaven myth spoken by Jehova’s Witnesses. The person who shared that post replied back, insisting that it can’t be a higher number, because not that many of us can be so evolved. Superiority complex much? Most recently, there was also a lawsuit against a couple named Jeff and Shaleia, founders of Twin Flame Universe. And the more you dig, the less some of this sounds like fairytale love, and more like another cult.

There’s this one couple who claim to be twin flames that are quite popular on social media, called Dov and Nicole. Now, I’m not dismissing them or their work, but they’re still an important example. Nicole used to struggle with drug addiction and even cheated. In their videos, they’ve talked extensively about how difficult the first years of “union” were, and how devastated and betrayed Dov felt at first. Back when I still followed this idea heavily, I admired how much they overcame to stay together, but now, not so much. It’s wonderful that Nicole has managed to do the inner work, but I can’t help but worry about the other people who see this as a reason to stay with partners who obviously never will. Even before people began talking about twin flames, there was already the expectation that you stayed with a partner regardless of how much drama and suffering they put you through, and sometimes, the best thing really is to walk away.

Don’t get me wrong, even the best relationships have their challenges and arguments, but there are some things mentioned in the twin flame community that are really just abuse, plain and simple. Other times, it’s that we’re so unhealed from past partners, that we desperately cling to someone who isn’t right for us. A lot of us seem to forget that we grew up with trauma bonds, with parents who’s idea of love involved conditions and control tactics. I also think we tend to seek novelty and like using words like “twin flames” to make a relationship sound special, instead of seeing the value in every deep bond we have. When I met my ex, I honestly thought we could have been twins, and now I could laugh just thinking about it, because it was clearly a karmic connection. He felt like home and we were around each other 24/7. Looking back, it felt more like an addiction than a relationship. He needed to know where I was at all times, and made fun of my body for not looking like a model. Meanwhile, I thought I wouldn’t find better.

Before breaking up, I started thinking of the relationship I’ve always dreamed of, and I knew this just wasn’t it. I knew that love is supposed to feel safe and secure, and reciprocated. It isn’t supposed to feel like a neverending nightmare. It also doesn’t need specific labels in order to make sense. It just has to be about coming together in a way that brings honesty, vulnerability, and a bit of magic.


Karina xo

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