March 11th 2023 – Karina Lafayette
Hi.
My name is Karina. I’m a master grudge holder. The minute someone does something, anything to hurt my feelings, I won’t hesitate to drop them. With some exceptions, of course, like say if you’re a loved one or if you’re a person who’s been a part of my life for a long time, and our connection has the power to override whatever you did.
But for everyone else, good luck, my walls are very high to climb.
Even when it comes to a one-time mistake where someone disrespect my boundaries without actually knowing they disrespected my boundaries. I’m very self-protective, but it’s only because there was a time in my life where my world was a turnstile, where people could come and go as they pleased and it didn’t matter if they lied, ignored me, made me feel like shit, or worse. You know the saying, “those who aren’t fed love on a silver spoon learn to lick it off knives”? Well that used to be me. I wanted people’s love and attention so badly that I would ignore the brightest of red flags, as long as it meant having someone in my life. Could it be because I wasn’t held enough as a child? Maybe, but let’s skip the therapy session and get to the point of this, which is that I am now the opposite, someone who’ll deny love as soon as there’s even the slightest possibility of getting hurt.
I can’t help it, it’s a knee-jerk reaction. I went from over-romanticizing red flags, to squinting so much that even green flags look a little red. Anytime I meet someone, especially romantically, instead of thinking of the ways it’ll work out, daydreaming and all that good stuff, I list the number of ways things could go wrong. It’s almost like part of me wants to take revenge even before they have the chance to make a mistake in the first place, as if to warn them: this is what’ll happen if you hurt me.
It took awhile to accept the fact that sometimes I can be the problem. My self-protective tendencies have been so successful, that very few people are allowed close to me. Though to be fair, as an introvert, I kind of prefer only having a handful of close relationships anyhow, but at the same time, it’s a frustrating way of being when you really want to bring a new ship into the shore. Even when I really want to let someone in, I almost never fully let them in. This is what it’s like to have Chiron in Leo.
Chiron the wounded warrior dancing with Leo, the sign of romance, flirtation, and fun. All the good stuff that can sometimes be off limits because where there’s joy, there’s risk of joy ending and being followed by pain. Sometimes, it’s really easier to not give in, than to fall at all. But hey, at least I’m self-aware, and at least I’m trying to have a bit more fun and romance in my life, no matter how much my inner child still wants protecting. The good news is that everyone has pain, which means that everyone has something up with Chiron. And this week if you haven’t noticed, has been especially intense on the nostalgia front.
Random flashbacks, memories, and dreams. Very, very weird dreams that for once, can’t be blamed on Pisces season.
You might be thinking, “I thought I was over it”. Are you really? Because it’s 2:22 right as I type this, so something tells me that certain feelings need to be looked at, the good, the bad, and the just plain ptsd-triggering. Something recently happened around December, and you wanted to forget it, but you just stopped thinking about it. The mind forgets but the heart doesn’t, and pushing our feelings away only makes them stronger, like putting a lid on a pot of boiling water. With Jupiter conjunct Chiron till around March 18th, ignoring our feelings won’t be possible. We’re human after all, and part of that means learning to enjoy the moment, while accepting our collection of memories that follow everywhere we go.
The feelings coming up right now are related to a period that started in September, when the South Node in Scorpio was inconjunct Chiron in Aries. Quoting a previous article, “When two planets or key points are making an inconjunction, this basically creates a sense of miscommunication or disconnect. It’s like two people saying the same thing in different languages. Here we have Scorpio, a fixed water sign, and Aries, a cardinal fire sign. Both are strong, ambitious and passionate, yet both go about their motives in different ways. Aries says it like it is, while Scorpio likes to sneak, spy, and slither their way toward their goals, but they always get what they want. Aries fights the battles that we see, while Scorpio dives deep into the psyche to fight demons.”
Now that Jupiter the planet of expansion is conjunct Chiron, there’s an opportunity to really heal and accept things for what they are, instead of making enemies out of people who probably didn’t know better. Even though the nodes are way off from the degree they were at a few months ago, Chiron is closeby, which means the feelings still linger. Sometimes we meet people at the wrong time, or sometimes we say the wrong thing and can’t take our words back. Other times, we keep people at a distance to avoid allowing more pain, not realizing we’re just hurting ourselves. Whatever it is, nobody is the villain. We’re all just doing our best.
With social media nowadays, relationships can be harder because all it takes is the click of a button to “block” someone’s profile the minute they do even the slightest thing, but whether it’s blocking, purposely forgetting or suppressing, the feelings are always there. The best part is we sometimes do this when the opposite is true, and the person shows kindness. It’s like that scene in The Grinch where his heart grows three sizes.
While typing this, there’s someone who’s been heavy on my mind and I don’t know if he thinks about me, but to get those feelings aired it’s easier to write them here than send them to someone who may or may not care how I really feel. And it’s not because I don’t want to tell him, it’s because in our case, we did meet at the wrong time. There’s so much I wish I could say. I hate that I still think about him, because I’ve tried my best not to, but each time I try, there’s either a song or something that sneaks up to remind me of him. Or I’ll remember what his eyes feel like on me, that intensity- or I’ll see someone that looks like him. I also tried telling myself that I was just over-romanticizing things that happened, but I probably didn’t. I probably things clearly.
Who the fuck knows. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel, but it’s better than pretending, right?
What’s funny is that even though I might have someone on my mind, there’s the other side of me that gets angsty when people come back into my life. I tend to feel like they’re only coming back out of boredom, and find it hard to believe that they could really miss me as much as I miss them. Could it be because I don’t realize that I leave a mark on people the same way they do with me?
Even if the feelings coming up for you have a different timeline, it’s never too late to heal. In my case, I have pain that goes way back, probably as far back as from things I don’t remember. And that’s okay. When it comes to grief especially, there’s no complete healing. At best, we can just grow around it. What’s not okay is to do what I’d normally do- and try very hard to no longer do- and that’s push people away the minute they make a mistake, because then it prevents them from doing better.
It’s even more frustrating when it comes to the maintenance of relationships, because inevitably everyone does something to hurt us, even if they don’t intend to. It may not always be in the worst kind of way, and to be fair, each person has their own pain tolerance. Some people can get past being cheated on, while others won’t tolerate a partner who will even look at another person. Some of us can forgive the worst kind of behavior from someone who promises to change, while others give very few chances. All of that is fair, but what isn’t fair is being ready to abandon ship as soon as the storm gets heavy.
And well, I’ve definitely been the kind of person who’s already thinking of an exit strategy ” just in case” someone hurts me, regardless of whether they give off that intention or not. But it’s only because I remember the pain that came with being the all-forgiving type who stays even when they know better.
We’ve all been the villain in someone’s story, and none of us are taught how to navigate situations with good people doing occasionally somewhat bad things. I’m sure there’s a few people who frown anytime they hear my name, and that’s their business. I can’t control how others feel. Growing up, no one taught us that mistakes happen. Instead we’re taught the fairytale, that the right person will show up and never ever do anything wrong, otherwise they aren’t the one. We’re taught to give up on someone as soon as they they say the wrong thing or show even one flaw, because in order to be lovable, you need to come with a set of requirements, requirements that more often than not, don’t exist. Every relationship is a bit difficult, it only feels easy when you’re in denial.
When we’re young, we get caught up in fantasy and tell ourselves that a relationship is going to be easy, when the reality is both partners are just walking on eggshells, and it’s only a matter of time before the resentments and disappointments bubble up to the surface. After that first real heartbreak, we get hardened and learn to love people at a distance, even when they’re in the same room. In both cases, it’s to avoid pain. People protect themselves either by believing in a lie or by rejecting anything true because we think it’ll turn out to be a lie. Both scenarios prevent us from real love.
In order to love properly, you have to practice radical acceptance. You have to accept that there are risks and rewards to loving someone, and that whether they reciprocate and treat you well is up to them. You also have to accept that there’s a 50/50 chance they’ll be a part of your life for a long-time, but that more often than not, people are temporary. And that’s okay. You don’t want to hold onto a relationship that feels like a cactus. You also don’t want to keep a relationship that makes you feel unseen or like you have to be someone else to be loved. Another thing you have to accept is that sometimes we just outgrow people.
In my life, I’ve outgrown lots of people, and in the moment of walking away, it was easier to tell myself that they were bad, when we really just weren’t compatible. I also have to do my fair share of healing from the idea of nostalgia, because until the past few years, I’ve had more bad experiences than good experiences, which means that a lot of my memories are bad. I don’t like the idea of nostalgia because it reminds me of the years I spent on the wrong people, places and relationships. What makes it easier is to remind myself that never thinking about the past takes away from my story, which like it or not, makes up part of who I am. After I finished my memoir Persephone Rises, I didn’t bother re-reading it, because it represents a part of my story that really left a tough mark. The good news is that it’s not my whole story. A lot of it is actually pretty good.
And just to be clear, when it comes to healing, I also learned that forgiveness is optional. Most people deserve forgiveness, but there are exceptions, especially when it comes to abuse. You don’t have to forgive everyone who does you wrong, but to hold onto the past can prevent you from enjoying what’s in front of you. At the same time, we can’t completely avoid the past either. All we can do is hope for tomorrow to be a little better.
My main challenge lately is to remind myself that not every new chapter is going to be a rerun. Sure there might be similar themes and conversations, but not every relationship is doomed for a bad ending. And not all of them will be temporary. Some of them can be with people who stay for good, and who are good people. But in order for true love to find me, I have to give it a chance. Whatever you’re healing from, I hope that when love finds you, you also have the courage to give it a chance.
Karina
If you enjoyed this article, you might enjoy Surrender to Passion: Chiron in Aries Inconjunct South Node in Scorpio and Chiron in the Natal Chart: Show Me Where It Hurts. For my books and more, scroll to the main menu.
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