Wednesday Journal Entry, Week 1
by Karina Lafayette – April 13th 2022
“When did I last wash the microwave?!”
I exclaim to myself with a sponge in hand, coming to terms with the blessing and curse known as executive dysfunction.
It’s something about myself I’ve only learned to accept recently. Whether it’s the byproduct of PTSD from childhood trauma, or undiagnosed neurodivergence, it doesn’t change the fact that as of right now, I have a lot of catching up to do. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, I’m actually proud. At least, now I know what needs to be done next. Before going further, I just want to mention this piece is meant to be a part of a journal entry series that I’ll be sharing every Wednesday to talk about astrology transits from a personal experience, rather than the usual articles you may see on my website.
And if you don’t know what executive dysfunction is, it’s most likely because you’re a morning person, or at least, really apt at doing normal every day things without feeling the urge to conquer the world while simultaneously running from it. Or stare at a wall long enough before your to-do list becomes tomorrow’s responsibility. In my experience, it’ll involve letting dishes pile up anytime I’m focused on writing, or forgetting the groceries in the fridge because I was too distracted to make dinner and ordered out instead.
Whatever house Saturn is in, now this is the area of life where something needs to be cleaned up before you can move forward. In my case, Saturn is in my sixth house of work, health and routine, so yes that can mean actual cleaning. Often, I’ll bounce between being a busybody out on the go, to yearning for the life of a homemaker. I already have this aspect natally. And yes, it’s my Saturn Return too, but to be honest, I don’t think anything can really prepare you for an area as sensitive as the IC. A lot of times, we tend to either over-idealize the past, or rewrite it in a way where we don’t have to feel guilty for how we treated other people. Other times, we remember things as a lot worse than how they were, and this is where the victim mentality can take its toll on public life- the MC. We can get too hung up on proving that we’re “not that kind of person” anymore, only to still let old habits steer things in private.
I also need to add that in case you don’t know, a natal chart is divided by four quadrants, the Ascendant and Descendant, which show who you are out in the world versus the people in your life. Then there are the MC (Midheaven) and IC (Imum Coeli), your legacy in the world versus where you came from. When Saturn is square the MC and IC, there is literally a sense of feeling at odds between the past and what you want to build. A part of you longs for the comforts of blissful and sometimes innacurate nostalgia, while the other just wants to get on with the show. The IC, which you can read on here, is referred to as the “bottom of the sky”, because it represents your ancestry and homelife. It’s one of the most private areas of a chart, and this is often the reason why you don’t really know someone until you’ve lived with them. The MC, however, is basically who you want to be when you grow up, and it’s your legacy. In other words, if you want to know how your grandkids will remember you, this is the answer.
No place like home, or is there? Saturn square IC
Natally, with Saturn square IC there can be a feeling of having to choose between family and career. In my case, I’ve always wanted to have it all, the white picket fence, partner, kids and work life. But in many of my close relationships, family included, I’ve often deal with people who try to sabotage my success or who accuse me of being selfish for simply having a life outside. Back when I was in college, I was often reminded that family should come first and anytime I made strives publicly, instead of feeling supported by those who cared about me, I felt alone. For accomplishments, this aspect can even give the feeling that others don’t appreciate your hard work, so it’s important to learn how to be your number one fan. There’s even the possibility of focusing on impressing the wrong people based on status, when instead the ones who matter will be there to support you no matter what.
On my college graduation day, my mom and grandmother were arguing the whole time about who was supposed to meet who. My grandmother remembered being told to wait for us at the subway, and because of that would’ve missed the ceremony had she not gone to the ticket booth herself. She waited awhile before it was about to start, but my mom was late. Once it was over, instead of congratulations, all I heard was how my mom was too far up to even see me. At that point, I was so focused on pleasing my mom that it took years to acknowledge the people- like my grandmother- who’ve really had my back. That was supposed to be one of my biggest days, and instead it was a disappointment. She also had a habit of ruining birthdays, and every holiday you can think of, which made me opt for celebrating events by myself or with friends. If there was a way for her to embarrass me in front of people, she took the opportunity.
My mother also taught me it was very unsafe to get close to other people. She didn’t say so in that many words, but she was very good at showing it. For example, one day we were crossing the street, I reached for her hand and she pulled away, accusing me of being clingy. She used to get annoyed anytime I wanted to venture outside the house for the sake of it, because according to her, there wasn’t anything worth while in the world unless it involved shopping or getting attention. If I had a crush on someone, she would tell me to play hard to get and “let him come to you”, because universe forbid I made my feelings obvious to anyone. It might help to know that my Venus is also conjunct the MC, which means that it’s also square Saturn. (You can read on Venus-Saturn here.) So in relationships, I really don’t have patience for people who are self-centered. Affection makes sense, but if it feels like someone might get in the way of my goals, there isn’t much of a future for us. I’m more likely to be drawn toward people with ambition, because you know, we get each other. On the flip side, this made me develop an incredible sense of loneliness, crowded room or actually alone. One-on-one conversations or solo adventures are really my happy place.
Anywho, if there is anything Mommie Dearest taught me, it’s that feelings = bad, and poker face = good.
Saturn square Midheaven in the Natal Chart
In public, I’m great at being put together and coming across as organized, but in reality, I can be a mess. For me, it’s called having Virgo Ascendant, but Saturn has a role here. I’ve always known how this made me out in everyday life, but boy, did Saturn square MC by transit really hold up a mirror to my shadow this time! From years of friends accusing me of not caring enough, to wondering why a crush didn’t reciprocate, when in all those situations, I was the one holding back to avoid rejection. It’s really only recently that I could see this pattern. Acknowledging all this has had me very emotional and impatient, feeling like even with a push, nothing would move forward. Some days not even wanting to leave the house. Unless maybe I just look over here…
Oh, right, like that one time a few years ago, where I showed up late to a job interview only to be upset because they wouldn’t reschedule. Yep, it was kind of my fault, but at the same time, not. Because growing up, anytime I showed up late to something, be it for meetings or even to school, nobody held me accountable. I always got a free pass, so self-sabotage became a learned behavior. Heck, even if I went to bed late, my mother would let me sleep in, instead of letting me deal with the consequences of being tired in class. If I procrastinated on homework, she would let me miss a day just to finish it. Ultimately, these habits set me up for failure, and sure, I can’t blame her for everything I failed at before, but I wasn’t born this way either. There’s a thirst for success that’s been a part of me since chilhood, which first prompted me to start writing in the first place, and I’m not about to let my past get in the way of it. At least, not anymore. Needless to say, this transit definitely brings reflection on how the past shaped us, while simultaneously creating anxiety about the future.
Speaking of, Saturn gets a lot of flack for creating delays, but sometimes delays exist for a reason, and that reason is because of lack of experience.
With Saturn square the MC, it’s necessary to really make peace with the past (the IC) no matter how ugly, because like it or not, it’s where you came from. And it’s also the backdrop of your future. For me, I think of this aspect, by transit or even natal, as a lotus growing from the mud. The mud being your roots and foundation, and the lotus being the beautiful life you were born to create. Another image that comes to mind is of a flower growing through the concrete. Where did it even find enough soil to grow anyhow? A flower doesn’t tell, and neither will I. And though by transit there’s the willingness to be out in the world more, some secrets stay with me.
Speaking of delays, sometime in 2018 I was supposed to direct my first feature film, and long story short, it didn’t happen… yet. And if I have to be honest, it’s only recently that I’ve begun to process how this made me feel and calculating whatever steps need to be made before it can finally manifest. Because Saturn is cyclical, it’s common to go back to certain things with deeper insight, especially in relation to the MC and any vision we have for ourselves. Throughout the whole time we were doing pre-production, there was one delay after the other. Not to mention, my abusive ex who kept on trying to get me back into his vortex of misery all while we were between apartments. Even to the point where he offered to help finance the movie in exchange for being his sponsor. No thanks. The universe agreed he needed to be out of the way and out of my life before moving forward. After him, I had my dog and my belongings and bounced from apartment to apartment- and even a year and a half in a shelter- before coming back to solid ground.
Looking back, the need to sort out home life before focusing more on career prospects makes so much sense for Saturn square the MC. Squares in the chart are tedious almost like mosquito bites, and ignoring them make them worse. Scratching them makes the feeling even worse. When you accept the bite for what it is, and find a way to work around the itch, somehow it removes itself. Kind of like pesky Saturn. Because face it, being extra dramatic and hyperfocused never really solved anything.
Saturn square Midheaven, my Experience with the Transit
So transit wise, it’s no wonder Saturn squaring my MC/IC has been so triggering. When the degree was exact, I got a case of food poisoning. At first it felt frustrating, but instead I decided to use this to start becoming more physically active. It sounds ironic, but what I actually needed from that was to get in touch with body. The real world can wait for me, I shouldn’t have to be working 24/7 to have value. I’ve had one hell of a past to emerge from, and picked up some bad habits. In some way, it’s made me feel like a mess, but a beautiful one. No longer do I have to feel stressed about the dishes in the sink or keeping a spotless microwave, or anything spotless. No longer do I have to be putting out content online every other day or have to brag about work for it to matter. It’s the consistency that adds depth. I’m honestly starting to let go of my need for perfection, and instead focusing more on what resonates at a soul level. There’ll be time for mundane stuff later. Artists, astrologers- or even creatives in general- aren’t going to succeed in this world by being on top of everything, because it just isn’t attainable for us. As Saturn loosens it’s grip on my MC transit-wise, the future is looking less like Mount Everest and more like peeks and valleys. Some days are for climbing, and some days are for resting. Both are valid and if anything, necessary when on the path of success. It might seem obvious to everyone else, but finally, I got the memo, and what great news it is.
Now that I know better, I can’t change what’s done, but I can decide what happens next. If there’s one important thing to take from Saturn square MC, it’s that no matter how a memory feels, it doesn’t have to decide the future. Just because I wasn’t being vulnerable then, doesn’t mean I can’t be vulnerable today. Just because a project gets put on hold, doesn’t mean it’ll never happen. And pouring your heart out online is almost as vulnerable as it gets. Still, there’s nothing quite like a one-on-one conversation. Maybe I’m ready for more of those. The age-old cliche of history repeating itself, blah, blah, blah- well, eff that. History repeats until we learn from it, and everyone has theirs to tell. Mine just so happens to only be starting.
And I’m gonna be even more cliche by quoting Natasha Bedingfield, just to add that, “The rest is still unwritten”.
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