Wednesday Journal Entry, Week 22
Karina Lafayette – November 23rd 2022
“Chasing dreams is fine but don’t forget your family,” one of my relatives wrote in a comment below one of my posts.
I brushed it off, assuming that she was only saying that to try and hold me back, or to make me feel guilty about moving to Toronto. Now that I think about it, she was right. However, having spent so many years being the “good girl” who would cater to other people, I didn’t want to feel limited by anything. I needed complete freedom, even if it came at the expense of my loved ones and relationships. Growing up, I was always expected to be responsible for others. I watched as women in my family spent their lives dedicated to service and knew that wasn’t for me.
I’ve always been a girl with a big dreams, which makes sense, because my North Node after all, is in the sign of Capricorn. The mountains to climb, the empire to build, the obstacles to overcome… none of that is easy. They say it’s lonely at the top, but that’s really because on the road to the top, you can’t take everyone and everything with you. Some people and things will weight you down- I just wish I had known sooner who and what was worth keeping.
A lot of astrologers will tell you to pursue the North Node with full force, and that you need to throw yourself into it and completely shed your South Node. Even I’ve said this. In fact, some of my previous articles might contradict what I’m about to tell you, which is if you want to throw away your South Node- DON’T. Your South Node is your roots, your comfort zone, and most of all, it’s the skills you already do better than anything. Why would you get rid of that? To have some superficial version of success that’s basking in hustle culture and a need to top others? To prove what? And I’m not saying you shouldn’t be pursuing your North Node either, but in order to really master it, you’ll need the South Node with you.
At a certain time in your life, you probably threw yourself into a goal or project, despite the inability to explain why- we all have a desire to accomplish something even if it makes no sense. Deep down you just know when it’s meant for you. This usually happens around the age of 18, when we have our first nodal return. The universe begins to make it very clear what we’re set out to do. The problem, is we get so caught up in it, that the very thing we want most actually becomes detrimental. We lose sleep over it. We neglect other areas of life. In Vedic astrology, the North Node is also considered a malefic, because it’s an area of obsession. So either we give up on it, we say it isn’t going to happen, or we become so intoxicated by this goal that we start to see more negative traits of the North Node. In my case, with my North Node in Capricorn conjunct the moon, this goal became obvious to me and everyone around from a young age. Because of that, I didn’t get much of a childhood. Everyone around me wanted to see me as the successful goat, so much that I didn’t really get the best version of the Cancer South Node.
Instead I was forced to grow up early. On one hand, my mom and I were codependent on each other, where she wouldn’t allow me to have friends or a real life outside family. I didn’t take the bus on my own till after high school, and only had my first kiss at around age 20. I also had to teach myself how to cook and spend money. On the other hand, my mom was already obsessed with what I was going to accomplish in life, so much that she seemed more interested in my future than living in the now. It also didn’t help either of us that her South Node is in Capricorn, so a lot of the toxic traits of Capricorn that she was familiar with, such as hustle culture, hyper-independence, greed, and power, became my norm. Despite being shy, I wanted to have power. Despite being a soft, sensitive person who loves to take care of people, the idea of being responsible for anyone aside from myself disgusted me. After all, I spent the first part of my life filled with responsibilities, why should anyone depend on me now, right?
So while in a lot of ways, my North Node makes me feel fulfilled, I have to be careful not to become selfish or to throw myself into work as a way to distract from my emotions. If anything, my interactions with coworkers and people in general are so much better when I allow myself to step into that sensitive moonchild vibe my South Node blessed me with. That’s where magic happens.
One person who exemplifies too much of an obsession with the North Node is Elon Musk. Musk has North Node in Aquarius conjunct Mars, and funny enough, one of his goals is to colonize Mars. While he’s definitely fulfilling his Aquarian purpose in social media, technology and innovation, it’s also caused him to drift into the shadow, narcissistic side of Aquarius. When Aquarius becomes too obsessed with sharing their ideas, they can come across as dictators and need to understand that people around have a mind of their own. Just the changes he’s made to Twitter is proof enough that he cares more about leaving a mark on the collective than understanding people as individuals, and Leo South Node after all, is the individual.
For me, the toxicity of being overly focused on my North Node manifested most in relationships. I was often attracted to men with money and ambition, but as soon as we got together, I felt miserable, lonely and neglected. But I stayed around these types because I thought my birth chart said that’s what I wanted, and more importantly, this is what I thought I should want. My first real relationship focused on two things: money and who was in charge. Of course my ex wanted to call the shots. He was very hardworking and could accomplish anything he set his mind to, but it wasn’t long before the thing that made me attracted to him, was the thing I hated most about him. He was from India, and would work twelve hours a day, six days a week. He would come home exhausted and moody and while I understood, my need for intimacy came across as too much for him. Even when we reached a compromise and he would take a day off, it was usually to sit at home and play video games or watch tv. It was literally all about him and his goals. I was just extra decoration in his otherwise routine, complicated Capricorn life.
And the wildest fact is that this man doesn’t really have a lick of Capricorn in his chart, but his Saturn is well positioned, which overrides any need for it. Nevermind, the first time I met him, it was like I knew him from a past life. His Juno (the relationship asteroid) was conjunct my moon and North Node, which meant that in a way, we were destined to be together, but only temporarily. Some won’t admit this, but North Node conjunctions in astrology don’t always mean happily ever after, because sometimes the North Node person gets so caught up in the relationship, that they forget their boundaries. Even though our relationship was in line with my purpose, it was too much. It didn’t allow me room to breathe, let alone really be happy. I felt like a financial burden more than a partner, and even he himself used to argue that the way he shows love is by providing. This is how I knew that if one person is going to call the shots in life, it’s me, and no one else. However, in a way, he did push me in the right direction.
The ironic part is that we broke up not long before my first nodal opposition. At that point, I was seriously questioning whether I wanted a family and he didn’t know what he wanted. My South Node was calling me home in a way. Something else they don’t tell you about the South Node is that it isn’t who you used to be, it’s who you are. It’s like the red thread of fate- you can stray as far from it as you want, but you’ll always be connected. At this point, I had to step backwards in order to move forward. Just because I’m ambitious, doesn’t mean I don’t need anyone. I was craving a community, a real sense of family. A part of me still felt guilty about not being able to see my uncles before they passed away, and not being able to visit my grandmother as often as I could before she left this plane. Something was missing, that couldn’t be filled with success or all the money in the world.
During my nodal opposition, I actually experienced homelessness for real, and it just so happens that the sign of Cancer, my South Node, represents home and family. However, this was also a period where in the shelter system I met people who accepted me, and who saw me without judgment or expectations. It was awhile since I really felt loved and nurtured and in a weird way, this was what I needed in order to be on the right track. I don’t need people in my life who are selfish and obsessed with succeeding, I need people who are kind and a soft place to land. That doesn’t make me weak, it makes me human. I also think this is the reason why South Node relationships aren’t as “doomed” after all. These kinds of connections can actually be very grounding and comforting, as long as both are supportive in each other’s growth.
As someone who loves synastry, I’ve also noticed that some of the most enduring famous couples have strong South Node conjunctions. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were married for fifty years. Her Mars and Mercury are conjunct his South Node in Aquarius, and not only that, they also have a sun-moon double whammy, with both being a Capricorn rising. You’d think this relationship would’ve prevented Newman from being successful, and yet looking at his career, his North Node in Leo managed to thrive. In a memoir, Newman admitted that his wife made him a “sexual creature” and he never found himself attractive before they met. They went on to become one of the most legendary Hollywood couples and together they made eight movies, and were known just as much for their work in film as they were for their activism and philanthropy. Of course, it also helps that Newman is in fact an Aquarius sun, so he wasn’t meant to shed his South Node that much, but if you ask me, he’s the perfect example of someone who was able to balance the North and South Node, which is what we’re supposed to do in the first place.
Another enduring couple that also has this kind of synastry is David and Victoria Beckham. His Mars is conjunct her Venus, while her Venus is conjunct his Mars and South Node. Before meeting in person, David said while watching a Spice Girls music video with his friend, he pointed to her on screen and said, “that’s the woman I’m going to marry.” The Beckhams have been together for over twenty years, and have a family, as well as an entire empire, between her music and fashion and his career in sports. That’s not to say that the South Node in synastry always works out this way, but typically when two people meet, there’s that inner knowing that you’ve done this dance before, and if the dance was worth it, why not go for another round?
These days, I don’t struggle too much around Nodal connections, because I know how to spot the difference between someone who holds me back and someone who pushes me forward, and that goes beyond astrology.
After my grandmother passed away, I reconsidered having kids, because admittedly, I’m still afraid that nurturing others will take something from me. It’s a balancing act to be there for others and set boundaries. She was the woman who did it all and deserved so much more credit for her work. You can say her and I learned a lot from each other. I taught her how to have boundaries and she always reminded me that it’s okay to need people sometimes. Now that my Saturn Return is done, I’m starting to realize that with my North Node in Capricorn, I can have it all, if I want to. As long as I don’t fall into the same patterns of codependency, and continue working on being more confident and aligned with my goals, who’s to say marriage and maybe even motherhood are completely out of the question for me? As long as my future partner is someone who’s supportive and just as nurturing, that’s what matters. At this point only time will tell, but whatever happens for me next, there’s nothing more liberating than finally realizing I really can have it all.
If you liked this article, you may also want to read, When Your Future Meets the Past: Surviving the Nodal Opposition, and North Node in Taurus: It’s Showtime!
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