Wednesday Journal Entry, Week 19
Karina Lafayette – September 6th 2022
As a child, I was often given the impression that my purpose in life is to serve other people. Apparently, I’m not supposed to want anything. I’m not allowed to have needs or desires. My job is to exist so others can be happy. As an adult, I’m grateful to have finally realized that that is a lie, and my purpose is so much deeper. But before explaining why, a little backstory.
First of all, I’m not actually a Virgo. I’m a Virgo Ascendant. A lot of people think of the Ascendant as the mask we wear in society, when really, it reflects more the traits we grow into with age. It can also show the kind of expectations that were imposed on you by people around, as well as the side of you that’s considered socially acceptable. Where the twelfth house is about self-undoing, the first is where we step up. So on one hand, yes you should absolutely grow into your Ascendant, but on your terms- it isn’t meant to take over your entire personality. So while it’s a good idea to own that energy, don’t forget who you really are.
Whenever someone has strong Virgo energy, they come into the world with a sense of responsibility and a need to improve everything around. They just can’t help it. And while wanting to make things better is a beautiful thing, it often comes at the expense of their health and well-being. Teachers at school will praise them for their hard work, but it can be difficult for Virgo to have fun with their peers. Not to mention, this is the kid that will pick up the slack while everyone else is procrastinating. There just always seems to be something else that needs to get done, so Virgo can’t catch a break.
Even when being told they’re doing a great job, to Virgo, it’s never enough. Enough time, enough effort, enough anything. Being a mutable sign, others don’t ever truly know a Virgo, except for the handful of people who are closest to them. To one person, they can be an absolute jerk, while to someone else, they can be a godsend. A Virgo will act accordingly. However, in most situations, what they usually lack is boundaries. Especially in work and relationships, since they can always be counted on, people typically expect them to take on a heavier load then everyone else, because Virgo just doesn’t mind, you know? On the flip side, when they do set boundaries, it can be chaos, and a lot of relationships will fall apart, because they come to find that others were just using them. This is why Virgo simply shouldn’t give a fuck what everyone thinks, so that way, it’s more obvious who’s showing up for the party, and who’s going to stay for the clean up.
And, actually, they do mind taking on extra work. While Virgo won’t hesitate to help you, it’ll come with some passive-aggressiveness and a side of “I told you so”. Deep down however, Virgo really does want to be seen as reliable, and they fear the day people find out they aren’t the Wonder Woman or Superman everyone else makes them out to be. So they keep showing up, just in case it makes a difference. On the surface, you’ll never see them sweat, even if the situation is just plain frustrating. They practically invented the expression, “fake it till you make it”.
As a Virgo Ascendant, I’ve been called Wonder Woman a few times, and as much as I love the movie, I no longer take it as a compliment. Throughout a good part of my life, I’ve had some burdens placed on me that shouldn’t have been there to begin with. Because my own mother was immature as a parent, she expected me to always be composed even in difficult situations. I wasn’t allowed to just have fun like other kids. I also wasn’t allowed to cry or complain, or have a hair out of place. I was both her therapist and her best friend, while setting my own needs aside. Of course, all of it was for show.
By the time I started college, my monthly loans and bursaries were mainly used to help with bills, groceries, and occasionally to fund my mother’s addiction issues. With Pisces in the Seventh House of relationships, people expect Virgo Ascendant to be there for them at all times, and if we can’t show up, apparently we’re selfish. The people in our day-to-day life sometimes have a sense of entitlement and will play the victim, not realizing that we have needs of our own to take care of, but those are for some relationships. For other relationships, the connection can be a beautiful balance between giving and receiving, neither one feeling empty around the other. I’ve also had connections with people that are beyond this world, where the two of us simply click, without words being needed.
When first getting into astrology, I read an interpretation of my chart that mentioned something about divorce, and I dismissed it. Well sure enough, I did get married and later divorced between the ages of 25 and 27. I really wanted to see the best in him, even if it meant creating a version of my ex that didn’t really exist, because if there’s one thing Virgo Ascendant loves, it’s a fairytale. I wanted him to be a white knight, and he wanted me to be his perfect wife. Admittedly, both of us had our faults, but the problem is when someone falls in love with me, there’s the expectation of us being perfect. Virgo is usually seen as the untouched maiden, but little do people know, they’re actually freaky, in the right setting. Although learning this doesn’t make everyone happy, due to the patriarchal Madonna/Ho Complex still being an issue in relationships. So once the illusion breaks, there’s the fall from the pedestal.
One place where Virgo can truly be themselves is out in nature with animals. Like Snow White, they connect sometimes even better with little critters than actual people, mainly because animals aren’t judgmental like people are, allowing Virgo to drop the facade. Another place where they thrive is with written or spoken word, hence why so many singers and writers are Virgo, such as Pink, Barry White, Freddie Mercury, and Stephen King- even the queen of romance literature, Jackie Collins, is a Virgo Ascendant, Venus, Mercury and Neptune! With words, they don’t have to worry about whether their hair looks just right or if a task is done on time. Instead, they can enjoy the moment for what it is and allow magic to unfold.
And I have to say, it’s rare that my relationships feel fulfilling. Most of them tend to be exhausting, which is what makes me an introvert. When it comes to friends and dating, I need to be extremely picky, because everyone wants the healing energy of a Virgo, even if they hate us. I’m not saying this to sound pretentious, this is just from experience. The light attracts butterflies and mosquitoes, and you bet I don’t want a relationship with a mosquito. They leech off of you and then leave when you have nothing else to give. There’s a reason Virgo can seem detached- if we’re not, just anyone will show up.
In public, I’ll really try my best to be polite, but sometimes people take it as a sign that I’m available for anything, and that just isn’t possible. As much as Virgo Ascendant can make friends easily, we’re also aware that the world tends to encourage narcissistic relationship dynamics, so it’s just better to not make myself available to everyone. I need to know what your intentions are, and whether you’ll reciprocate. So while you’ll get the impression of me being social, that part is just an act, thanks to Gemini in the tenth house of reputation. A lot of people know about me, but you don’t know who I am.
In reality, I’m actually very private and don’t trust easily. With Scorpio in the Third House of communication, I need to study and watch you first. I despise secrets and lies, but can be a bit manipulative when something is off. Many times, I’ve had people who weren’t clear on whether they wanted to be friends or more, and I did it on purpose to play dumb just to see how far they would go. It weirdly amuses me to expose someone’s shadow, and yes I have one too. It didn’t matter if you were a good person and didn’t do anything wrong- not telling me what you want is enough to put my walls up high, because it just feels like you’ll use me. If you care enough, you’ll express where you stand. Friends with benefits, hook-ups, and all that, are just ways of playing that don’t interest me. It’s not that I’m too good, I just have shit to do.
Okay, maybe that last part is my Capricorn moon showing, but I digress.
Probably my biggest flaw of all is that I could be struggling, and you won’t even know it. Unless we’re very close or I’m at my breaking point, the idea of showing that side really makes my skin crawl.
Something else that I’ve found surprising yet hilarious, is how Virgo Ascendant, and Virgo in general, can be very rebellious. Normally, because of how much we love logic and a certain level of stability, you would think that means we know how to behave, but we really don’t. And for the Ascendant, a lot of it has to do with Aquarius in the sixth house of everyday routine. Aquarius is a rebel at heart and answers to nobody, so with it in my sixth, do you honestly think I’ll answer to someone else’s rules? Maybe I did growing up, but that was before I learned about boundaries.
Because Virgo is ruled by Mercury, this sign actually cares for mental stability than anything. Having all of their belongings in a certain place is more about clarity, and not so much about needing perfection. Virgo as a whole is actually as messy as you can get, and can do well regardless of their surroundings. The only time you’ll see Virgo needing everything in order, is when they’re struggling to feel good about themselves. The more a Virgo will bother you about not doing things their way, the lower their self-worth. The more they love who they are, flaws and all, the less external perfection is needed.
And that’s probably their weakness- not feeling like they’re enough, or as if they have to be different things to different people. In reality, no one is perfect, and yet we already are. When Virgo accepts all sides to themselves, and how they can be both messy and accomplished, sexual and nurturing, crude and polite, light and dark, this is where they thrive, because finally, they’re no longer living up to everyone’s expectations (their own included). Instead, authenticity calls the shots.
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